Do you ever wonder what the secret to successful friendships and relationships is? I recently saw a TED talk by John Gottman in which he mentions that it's not the quality of your relationship, necessarily, but rather how well you handle conflict. He calls this "rupture and repair."
**Sometimes, when someone's behaviour hurts us, we hold it against that person even though they may not have intended to hurt us. **
This of course can be tempting-it feels good to get even or teach someone a lesson. But holding a grudge is not the best way to handle it. You are better off trying and talking about it with the other person instead of holding your feelings inside until they fester into anger or resentment that can only cause more problems in your relationship.
It’s important to note: while we often feel justified in our anger towards others and want retribution for their wrongdoing (for instance if someone insults us), this is often based on our own needs rather than what would actually help resolve things between you both moving forward (for instance, if someone insults you). In order for relationships to thrive over time, there needs be mutual respect between parties involved which means being able “listen well” without reacting negatively towards others' comments/insights; being open minded enough so as not rejecting ideas just because they come from an unexpected source. such as yourself. :)
If we hold a grudge, we're likely to treat them differently from then on and make assumptions about their character.
This is as a result of our unwillingness to resolve conflict. We may not be actively hostile; however, we can still make subtle changes in how we behave towards the other person without realising it.
The main reason why people avoid confronting one another is because they get defensive when they feel criticised or attacked in any way. This leads to an inability to have meaningful “I-messages” (messages where you take responsibility for your role in the problem at all)!
If you are willing to listen carefully, accept responsibility for your part of any problems that occur between yourself and someone else – even if only partially – then there will be less chance of them being angry with you later down the line because they know that you are willing or able to hear them out calmly and accept some responsibility yourself rather than just blaming everything on them like most people tend do these days when things go wrong at home or work!
When we do this, though, it's easy to get caught in a cycle of tension between the two of us.
The key to a healthy relationship is learning how to repair the damage that comes from these 'ruptures'. The rupture and repair cycle is an ongoing pattern of behaviour in relationships, and it can happen with any person you choose to be close with - even your partner or spouse.
The daily friction we experience in our relationships may be heightened by one partner making a comment about the other's appearance, or by forgetting about an important date such as Valentine's Day or their birthday. This kind of tension might lead one person to say something hurtful in return - maybe even an outright attack on character - which could cause another person not just embarrassment but also anxiety over how they are being perceived at that moment in time. Our minds begin spinning out of control with thoughts like: "Did I really say those things?" "What did they mean by what they just said?" "Why do I always end up apologising when this happens?"
Even if the other person hadn't meant to hurt us, we can bring up what upset us for a long time afterwards.
This is why it's so important to be able to talk about your feelings in relationships. If you don't, you're going to hold on to that anger and hurt, which will build up and make it impossible for you to enjoy yourself when you are around that person again. And if they say something wrong or upsetting again... Boom! Anger all over again! This is how fights occur between people who care about each other-they both have hard feelings from previous fights that don't get resolved until later on down the road when things turn sour again because of those old wounds never healing properly (or at all).
If someone says something rude or mean about one of your friends or family members (or anyone else), then it's especially important for them not only apologise but also explain why they feel this way about that person: "I just don't like them" isn't good enough because obviously there must be some reason *why *someone would dislike another human being; maybe even an innocent reason like misunderstanding them due to perhaps ignorance rather than malicious intent towards another individual.
This resentment can be really hard for both people in the relationship. It's hard for the person who feels like they are being judged negatively.
● You need to be able to accept feedback from your partner.
● You need to be able to express your feelings honestly, including the negative ones.
● You need to ask for what you want and not just expect it (or worse, take it by force).
● And most importantly, you need the ability and willingness to accept that your partner may not always be able or willing to meet all of your needs-and that’s OK!
And it's hard for the person who feels like they didn't get a chance to explain themselves and make things right.
If you've been hurt or feel angry, it's important to tell the other person how you feel. This will help them understand your perspective, and hopefully repair any damage that was done.
The first step is making sure that you communicate in a way that doesn't put the other person on the defensive. For example, saying "you lied to me" can cause someone who did not lie at all to become defensive-and getting defensive will make it harder for them to hear what you have to say. Instead of saying "you lied," try something like: "I'm feeling upset because I think I was lied to." This gives them an opportunity to explain their side of things without accusing them of anything bad.
If you try to talk about your problems with therapy or medication and get better at regulating your emotions, you may find that your partner responds favourably.
If you have trouble regulating your emotions, it can have a negative impact on your relationships. You may find yourself having an emotional outburst, for example, or getting angry in response to something that doesn't warrant any anger at all. If you try to talk about your problems with therapy or medication and get better at regulating your emotions, you may find that your partner responds favourably.
This is because when people are in a relationship together, they're often focusing on each other-and not as much on themselves-so they’re more likely to notice when something changes about the other person. Your partner might be more sensitive than usual due to this fact; if so, then he or she may pick up on small signs of improvement before they even happen!
Don't try to hide your feelings or pretend everything is fine when it isn't.
If you're not happy, don't try to hide your feelings or pretend everything is fine when it isn't. If something is bothering you and affecting the way you communicate with your partner, bring it up. Your partner might be able to help if they know what the problem is; after all, good relationships are built on trust, honesty and respect (and those things are impossible without communication).
Without conflict, there is no relationship
A healthy relationship is one that has conflict. Without it, there is no relationship.
If you and your partner never have any disagreements, then you're probably not really spending time together or engaging in much conversation at all. If you never fight or disagree, then perhaps the two of you aren't spending enough time together to truly get to know each other-or you're both unwilling to confront issues that may be important for making progress on the path toward a better understanding of how best to communicate with one another. Conflict can be uncomfortable but it doesn't mean that your connection isn't strong or meaningful; in fact, it’s an indication that both people are committed enough to their relationship that they're willing to engage with each other when things aren’t going well and take steps toward resolving whatever issue might arise between them.
Conclusion
This goes to say that if we want our relationships to last, we have to be conscious of the ruptures in it and work on repairing them. It’s only when our behaviour gets interpreted as rupture that there is a need for repair.
Related reading: Why do I Self Sabotage: Attachment Styles in Relationships and Decoding Contempt in Relationships: A Closer Look.
